Papacek Family

Team Sunshine

2010-12-13T08:37:00.001-08:00

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Run Baby Run

2010-12-13T07:50:00.000-08:00

For as long as I can remember, I have run. I used to hate running, and viewed at as a punishment by my basketball coach who loved to make us run around the high school at 2:30 p.m. in the afternoon in the off season. My senior year, I stopped playing basketball and started running as a way to not blow up to 200 lbs. In college, I did manage to gain the freshman 15, and viewed my running as merely attempts to gain the attention of boys living in the corps dorms. When I moved off-campus, I ran around the College Station neighborhoods with my roommates Kimber, Dana, and Brandi from time to time, again trying to keep myself from gaining another 15 lbs since the first 15 decided they were gonna stick around.

When I moved back to the Valley about 6 years ago, I found a running buddy in someone I would never have imagined. Tracy and I weren't friends in high school, but our mutual desire to run quickly bonded us and we became really great friends. Tracy convinced me to run the Port Isabel Causeway run, which was 6 miles, further than I had ever run before. It wasn't pretty, but I finished it. I soon found myself interested in upping my mileage and running more races.

I've run 2 half-marathons, 2 10k's, 1 7500 meter run, and a handful of 5k's. All of these races help keep me in shape and destress myself after a long day at school. I just finished doing the McAllen Fiesta Marathon relay with some friends, and it was really fun. We drove all over McAllen picking up and dropping off our team, and I ran the anchor leg of 6 miles. It felt great to finish, and even better to have run with such a great group of women.

So, what's next? The Causeway Run in January of 2011 and the Austin Half-Marathon in February. Wish me luck!

Storytelling Winner!

2010-12-06T13:13:00.001-08:00

Alex Papacek, WISD 3rd Grade Storytelling Winner!

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Endurance

2010-12-06T12:12:00.000-08:00

Endurance. Webster's Dictionary defines endurance as "the fact or power of enduring or bearing pain, hardships, etc." Or you could choose definition #2, "the ability or strength to continue or last, esp. despite fatigue, stress, or other adverse conditions; stamina." I feel like this one word sums up my life in so many ways. I often ask myself why is that so many hardships and unfortunate events seem to befall on some people and never on others. Although it seems unfair for me to say adverse events never happen to others, perhaps they simply choose not to talk about them.

Wednesday would be my sister's 39th birthday. I miss her more and more everyday. Not only did I lose my sister, I lost my best friend. You can only call and complain to a friend so many times before you start to become a drag, after all who wants to hear about your problems day in and day out? Even when my sister was going through chemo, she would listen as I rehashed what would be the 50 millionth argument between our mom and myself. Who else could understand the anger and frustration I live with daily because my son has autism? So I endure. I endure the pain of losing her, losing my confidante, losing the one person who truly loves me for who I am, faults and all.

Endurance. I work with 80 17-18 year old kids everyday. Some of the laziest, most miserable excuses for children I have ever encountered, and each day I endure their complaints and inability to get their work done because I have to. Afterall, I need a paycheck in order to pay my bills and sometimes mama needs a new pair of shoes. Don't get me wrong. They are not all bad, some are really awesome. Too bad I can't clone the 15 or so students I really like...that would certainly make my job a lot more fun.

Endurance. My son has autism. I hate autism. There is no cure and no explanation to why kids have it or what therapy works best for each case. My son's therapy will cost over $1400.00 a month, and that's money I just don't have, even with decent insurance. Sure, we are lucky because we have help in the form of my parents, but that is such an unfair burden to place on them. The toll he takes on Chris and I is significant. Each weekend day is filled with stress due to the tantrums we both know are coming no matter how hard we try to please him. The weekly meetings, the surveys, the therapists, the school reports...It takes endurance to simply keep plugging away and filling out forms. It seems unending, and my rope is beginning to unravel.

Why is it that it takes so much damn endurance to get from one day to the next? When does it stop? When does life slow down enough to take a deep breathe and relax? I guess I am forced to maintain my endurance, because what options do I have? I love my children, I need my job, and my longing to have my sister back will never go away. I may not ever win the title of World's Greatest Mother or Teacher of the Year, but I have endurance, and that counts for something.

1/7/99-11/3/10

2010-11-02T15:57:00.000-07:00

Today my sweet angel from doggie heaven passed away. He was almost 12 years old. He was my roommate when I graduated from college and was kicked out of the bed once I met my future husband, which left him and me a little sad. He was the first thing my daughter laughed at when she was 4 months old. My son would follow in her footsteps not 5 years later. Sure, he shed like a crazy dog, ate poopie diapers, and refused to be potty trained until he was 7 months old (my son must be taking after his dog-brother), but I loved him more than words can express. He had the softest, silkiest long ears. He loved to lounge and have his ears scratched. He loved pillows, and would find the nicest one to lay until it had a nice yellow tinge to it that no laundry detergent could ever remove. In his old age, he would wake me at 3 or 4 am to go out and pee, and I didn't really mind that much. I mean, he offered unconditional love in return. Once he came to trust my husband, Riley would go to his side of the bed every morning and whimper that he needed to be let out. If that didn't prove how much he loved me, I don't know what could. So, in between my tears and multiple glasses of wine, I will remember that beautiful, fat, wonderful bassett hound that I got to be the mother of for almost 12 years. Rest in peace my sweet boy. May all the dogs that died before you greet you at the pearly gates and reserve a soft, cushiony leather couch with lots of pillows for you to lounge on for all of eternity.

Momma misses you.
V

Happy Halloween

2010-11-01T09:30:00.001-07:00

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What I've learned from a busy weekend...

2010-11-01T09:17:00.000-07:00

So, here is a little snippet of what I managed to learn over this past weekend:

1. You can run 10 miles even when you are coming down with a sinus infection.
2. It doesn't matter how fast you run, but that you finish. (and I was not last!)
3. A 5 hour energy shot and a peanut butter sandwich works wonders when you don't feel like giving your run your best effort.
4. A hyper competitive mom and a daughter who plays soccer does not always make for a good time.
5. You should not embarrass your husband by making rude comments to 8 year girls who just kicked your daughter in a blatantly inappropriately way.
6. If you can't back up your rude comments to that 8 year old girl's parents, it's best to keep your trap (aka mouth) shut at all times.
7. It's not very fun to hang out with friends who turn everything into a competition whether they live close by or not. Yes, you will always be able to run farther and faster than me, and I'm totally okay with it. I'll bring you cookies when you are laid up after you blow out your ACL.
8. Do not come to work sick. The students know you are easy prey when you don't have the strength to yell at them. Make the assignments as long and as boring as possible on those days.
9. Always make your health care provider your friend. That way you can go in without an appointment and not have to wait 2+ hours like the rest of the world.
10. Don't get sick on Halloween. No one likes a mom who is grouchy, sluggish, and congested. Stay home, turn the lights out, and go to bed.

That's it. Not a very good post, but I did get one in for November.

McPumpkin Run

2010-10-24T19:12:00.001-07:00

So, instead of getting all dressed up and eating and drinking for free all the while hobnobbing with the Weslaco "elite" (insert sarcasm here), my two best Valley friends and I ran a 7500 meter race. It was very challenging and my guts were not being cooperative, but I finished. I kept thinking of my sister and how she was always faster than me but I would never quit running and would run as fast as I could at the end of our runs to finish first. Funny how she is with me one way or another everyday.

Well, my gazelle-like friend Kelly darted off the start line and finished first in her age group and was the 2nd woman to finish overall. I was super proud of her. My friend Tracy, in true Tracy fashion. never left my slow-ass side and really pushed me along, and I was grateful she did, as she always makes it more fun. We finished off the night with some sushi and an early bedtime. I love my girls!
V

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I'm Alive, and Well (kind of)

2010-10-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am tired. I say that a lot. Practically everyday. There are some days that I wake up wondering if I had just went to bed an hour earlier. Was it like this before I was married? Did I feel like this in college or high school? The absolute overwhelming desire I have to crawl back in to bed 5 minutes after I leave it is absolutely overpowering.

So, what's new? Well, for the last two weeks my family and I have been meeting with specialists about Carter and how we can offer additional therapy for him at home. We met with a speech therapist, an occupational therapist, his two regular therapists, and the local school personnel to get on the same game plan. There is nothing worse than working all day and having another 2 hour meeting at night. Not that I don't want to help my son, but I am dying to have a week where I can come home and relax. I even skipped book club so that I could fit in my 5 mile run, which I need in order to de-stress from the day.

Did I mention Carter had his tonsils out last week, and this past weekend was a struggle to get him to eat, drink, sleep and take his meds. I had two club meetings at school this week, helped out with ASVAB testing, and now I am sitting here writing on my blog while my students take a quiz, which is essentially more work for me than them since I have to grade over 80 papers this weekend.

I also coordinated our family pictures two weekends ago, which meant picking out outfits for my whole family plus my mom and dad, fixing hair and make-up and then a week later picking out the photos with my friend, the photographer, who always manages to find at least one good shot of all of us.

AND...the piece de resistance....my daughter is working on her very first science fair project, which of course means that I have done 90% of the work and even enlisted the help of my students. That's right folks, I run my very own Kathy Lee sweatshop for the glory of extra points on a quiz. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. So, after a 3 day weekend to Aggieland, I will come home Sunday night just in time to spend multiple hours creating a tri-fold bulletin board for her and her partner to present to their class.

So, there is this song by Kenny Chesney called, "I'm Alive." I like it very much, and I listen to it everyday on my way to work to inspire me to get through the day. I am thankful that I have a job, a home, a husband and family, and some good friends. I think about the Chilean miners who had a pretty crappy 69 days underground, my sister who is no longer with us, and all of the other people experiencing extreme hardship. My life isn't bad, it's just busy. Too busy. Maybe I'll just wake up one day, pack a bag, throw my cell phone out the window, and drive. After all, I'm alive.

I Miss Her

2010-09-16T09:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the 9 year anniversary of the bridge collapse on the Port Isabel Causeway in South Padre Island. A friend of mine from high school's older sister perished that night as her car plunged over 80 feet into the bay and she drowned. I cannot imagine how hard yesterday was for my friend and her sweet parents whom I have known since middle school. I am not religous, but I thought about her all day long.

Which brings me back to my post for today. On Monday, it will be one year to the day my sister passed away. I remember when I got a phone call from someone who worked for my mom that I needed to come right away and that things had made a turn for the worse in regards to my sister's cancer. I had a mini-breakdown in the home-ec classroom before I pulled myself together and made the trip home. When I got there, my parents were beset with grief. My mom, unable to compose herself long enough to figure out travel arrangements, was weeping at the computer. I got online, found a flight and called American Airline. In a matter of 30 minutes, we were packed and driving furiously down the highway to get to the airport to make the flight, our only option for getting to Washington DC that day. We made it, but barely.

From the flight attendant attempting to get my mom off of her cell phone, to Chili's in the Houston airport giving me a wrong order, to practically running to Scott's car to make it to the hospital to see her that night, the events of that day are as clear to me now as they were then, as I sit here writing this post.

We spent a lot of time at the hospital the next day, and Friday I spent the afternoont getting her condo ready for her to return to under hospice care. She came via ambulance that evening, and her parade of friends came and stayed that evening and most of the following day. The scene still disturbs me because she couldn't speak clearly and hardly stayed awake, and I remember feeling as if I wanted her there alone with just us, her family, as her time left on earth was getting shorter and shorter and those people just wouldn't leave.

On Sunday, I went to Target. I know I had a good reason, but I can't remember what it was, but I do remember looking through the clothes knowing I would need a dark colored dress for some type of funeral service. I came home only to be told that her breathing was getting shallow and she had not woken up since the last evening. She passed away within 2 hours of my arrival back to the condo and I sat there holding her hand. I remember how her hands were so dry and rough, with her cuticals red and angry as she could never leave them alone.

I sat on her right hand side giving my parents closest access to her face. In my head, I told her it was okay to go, to be free of her pain, and that we would love her always. My mother grabbed her and shook her after her last breath, begging her to wake up, but it was not to be. She was gone. Her body remained, but her soul, her self was no longer there.

We packed her stuff and made the "arrangements" the following couple of days. Life would never be the same. My sweet sister, the "good one", my best ally and closest friend, succumbed to breast cancer a mere year and a half after her diagnosis. So, in closing, if anyone is reading this....call your siblings this Monday in honor of my sister. Tell them how much you love them and value them. If you live close enough, stop by and hug them tightly, as we never know how long our own time on earth will be and of those people closest to you. Love, V

Back to school

2010-09-11T18:03:00.001-07:00

It's been 3 weeks since the dreaded first day back at school, and things seem to be shaping up nicely. Here's a top ten list of things that have happened so far:
1. Alex has caused quite a dramatic stir about her math homework several times already.
2. My mom took a 6 day trip to DC leaving us to fend for ourselves in the morning with two kiddos, and boy was that fun! (insert sarcasm here)
3. I was lucky enough to have "duty" the first week of school stationed right by the principal.
4. Both kids got sick.
5. Carter was up and in our room every morning before 5 am the first week of school.
6. Kids had Labor day off; mom did not.
7. Mom had the day after Labor day off due to tropical storm Hermine. (how did you pronounce that anyway?)
8. The principal approved my request to kick 3 kids out of my class due to horrendous behavior (yea me!)
9. The attendance/grading software was not working the first 13 days if school, so all grades and attendance for 3 weeks had to be logged in in one day!
10. I finally got picked by a football player to wear his jersey on Friday during classes, and yes, it made me feel hugely popular! (I guess we never lose the desire to be popular in high school..)
Now, back to college football.
V

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Location:Vida Santa,Weslaco,United States

Bored

2010-08-07T20:40:00.001-07:00

I've been home alone for almost a week. No husband or kids. Just little ol' me laying in bed recuperating with not a thing to do but read books, play with my iPad, text, sleep and watch loads of tv. I admit the first few days were quite nice, but I'm lonely now and I want my family back!

However, it has been really nice to spend lots of time with my mom and dad who have taken good care of me. They have carted me around town, fed me and spent a lot of time hanging out. My mom even cleaned my windows and stove. My dad cleaned off my back porch to give sweet Riley a cleaner place to sleep, and took me back to school shopping at the ripe old age of 34!

The only thing missing to make our "parental" time together was my sister, whom I miss terribly and made every family get together just better. Please let there really be a heaven and please let her be happy there.

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Location:My bed

My security monster

2010-08-04T10:38:00.000-07:00

Most kids have a favorite blanket or stuffed animal they carry with them at all times and all places. My son has always been a little bit different. He has a security monster. Granny bought it for him when she came to visit last month, and when it disappeared, Mimi came to the rescue and bought the last one at Wal-Mart. So, Carter is off visiting the Arkansas clan with his best friend grasped firmly in his cute little paw. Love you C man!

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Safe travels Pap!

2010-08-03T09:51:00.000-07:00

Not many dads would brave a 14 hour car trip with an 8 and 4 year old to visit his mom and extended family at the annual Morris family reunion, but off he went. Alex told him that she wanted to go the whole way in 1 day. Her exacts words were, "dad, it can be either be 2 bad days or 1 horrible one. Let's just go for it!". I guess we'll have to wait and see! Safe travels my sweet family and hopefully i will have pics to post soon! V

When more friends come and visit

2010-07-27T16:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am still at SPI. And yes, I am utterly exhausted. My other old roommate from college, Allison, came down to visit with her two kids, Brady and Anna. So far we have been to the beach, the pool, the movies, the lighthouse and the turtle sanctuary. Tomorrow we are headed out on a pirate cruise for 3 hours of fun. It makes me laugh to imagine how Allison and I would have spent 4 days on padre without 3 kids 14 years ago. Actually, I can sum it up in 3 words: beer, beach and boys!

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Happy birthday little man!

2010-07-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

Carter is officially 4 today. So far his favorite activities at the beach are eating cheetos and drinking Capri Suns, smashing alex's sand castles, and wallowing in a mud hole his daddy made just for him. Love you big C! You've come a long way and have a long way to go, but I love you more than words can say - love, mom

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Location:SPI

Last zoo pic

2010-07-22T14:35:00.001-07:00

Here's Sawyer Kessels, 17 months.

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More zoo pics

2010-07-22T14:33:00.002-07:00

Hayden Kessels and Alex

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Rainy day at the beach, sweaty day at the zoo!

2010-07-22T14:33:00.001-07:00

So it was very cloudy and drizzly at the beach, and we needed a plan B. My friend Brandi and her two kiddos are visiting from Dallas, and Hayden, her oldest at 3, announced she was "done with the sand." We decided on either the children's museum in Brownsville or the zoo. Alex and Hayden decided on the zoo.
After eating a Mexican food buffet for lunch, it was off to see the animals. It was very humid and muggy, but the kids had fun. Moms not as much, but a Sonic run afterwards was a great way to cool off. Some pics are below..V

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Carter's 4th Birthday

2010-07-19T20:44:00.001-07:00

So my sweet angel man is almost 4. We decided to have an early family party since his Granny was down to see him, and my best friend and her family were going to Canada for 2 weeks. In true Vicki form, I was so busy making sure everyone was having a good time, that I did not take a single picture! Lucky for me my mom snapped one right after they crossed the bridge to Port Isabel. I guess he's not quite ready to party with the big kids!

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Tuckered out

2010-07-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

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Location:SPI

Carter

2010-07-10T08:14:00.001-07:00

My son is a boy who knows exactly what he wants when he wants it. His favorite activities include eating apples and bananas, rubbing my dad's or his dad's earlobes till they are practically raw, and sucking his thumb. Peppered in between said activities are playing with Alex's zhu zhu pets and jumping in the pool with no life jacket or floaties. Secretly, he loves to nap, but it is no longer cool to admit it to mom and dad, unless of course he is sleeping in my dad's "cave" of a room with all the windows closed, overhead fan blowing and small fan on the side table blowing full blast. ( I like taking naps in that room too!) The picture above is was taken 4th of July weekend at SP! after a long day of swimming in the pool and playing at the beach.

Angry

2010-07-08T16:12:00.000-07:00

I am not the type of person anyone would describe as being "sunny" or "bubbly." I've always wanted to be, but I tend to be kind of a grump a lot of the time. I have tried for years to figure out the source of my unhappiness, often resigning myself to just being born this way, but my mother swears that I was the happiest, most fun little kid. So, guessing that she is no liar, I was, once upon a time, a happy go lucky kind of person, at least for a little while!

This post is about anger. I find myself angry about a lot of things, and I want to figure out how to stop being so angry and maybe attempting to put a little bit of light-heartedness back into my personality mix. But first, I need to be honest about what I am so darn angry about....Here goes:

1. I am angry that my sister died from cancer.
2. I am angry that I was powerless to help her.
3. I am angry that I did not have good enough self esteem in my teens and early 20's and allowed a lot of people to treat me badly.
4. I am angry that I did not do better in school and create a more meaningful and lucrative career for myself.
5. I am angry that some people still behave in horribly selfish and childish ways even though they are adults.
6. I am angry that my son has autism. (this should be #2)
7. I am angry that my daughter is so sensitive and allows people to hurt her feelings so easily. (this will make junior high and high school very difficult.)
8. I am angry that there never seems to be enough money for vacations, a bigger house, a nicer car, sometimes even the bills. (this is often self-inflicted.)
9. I am angry that someone is currently trying to hurt one of my very good friends.
10. I am angry that there are people who never seem to hurt, have problems, run out of money, and always have the nicest of everything and still feel the need to be ugly on the inside.

Okay, so now that I have put down my top 10 on this blog, I just stopped to re-read them and realized that other than #1 and #6, all of these things that make my life so hard and difficult are all things I can change. It is up to me to find the strength to turn things around for myself, and if all else fails, I will run. (Not run away....really run, like at the track and sweat it out!)

Alex gets braces!

2010-06-22T08:28:00.001-07:00

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Visit to Houston

2010-06-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

So I spent two days visiting my sweet friend Ashley and her new baby, Charlie. Funny that we still had time to eat at Lupe Tortilla, Collina's, and of course, Anthropologie. Probably the best part was relaxing at the Houston Raquet Club by the pool and catching up. While it was a very short trip, I am glad I got to help out for a couple of days and I look forward to going back soon. Ashley's 3 babies are highlighted below...Mason (the oldest and most furry), sweet Hannah (age 2) and Charlie (6 weeks and nicknamed Chunk due to those fabulous cheeks).

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Look who's wearing a flotation device!

2010-06-14T17:49:00.001-07:00

Kids with autism do things on their own terms on their own time. After 3 years, Carter is finally using a floatie. This new development makes swimming with both kids so much easier!

Look mom! I'm in laundry basket jail!

2010-05-26T08:17:00.001-07:00

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Autism Sucks

2010-05-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

How soon we realize after one of our children receives a devastating medical diagnosis that the dreams we had for that child are only our dreams, and not necessarily what will become of his or her life. Throughout my pregnancy, I would hear commercials on the radio, read billboards or see entire television shows that discussed the rising rates of autism in the US. At 18 weeks pregnant, it was confirmed a boy was on the way, and I couldn't shake all that I had heard or seen and I worried constantly about my unborn child. I have a friend who worked with special education students who would remind me that I was healthy, that the odds were in my favor, etc.,but I often worried that something would turn out wrong with my baby boy.

Well, Carter made his debut on July 25th, 2006. He was a beautiful but fussy baby from the very beginning. I used to poo-poo people who talked about the mother-son bond, but as soon as I held that boy in my arms, I wanted to consume him, have be all mine, and not share him with the world. He was just so perfect, and I was in love. A love that I had never felt before, a love that was part rapture and part possessiveness of this small, perfect, beautiful boy.

Carter started losing language at around 20 months. He used to point to a family picture and just rattle off our names..Mama, Dada, Alice (he couldn't say Alex). Suddenly, when I showed him the picture, he wouldn't respond. The books he would have me read over and over again were of no interest to him anymore, and he would find enjoyment staring at a leaf or other non-appropriate toy. My family and friends all told me I worried about nothing, that he was fine. Boys talk later, they would say, or that their son didn't speak until age 5. But I was his mother, and I knew they were wrong. I knew my worst fear was unfolding before my very eyes, and the doubts of those around me only frustrated me more.

An actual diagnosis didn't come until he was age 3 years and 3 months. He speaks very little, still fixates on non-toys, and has terrible temper tantrums. He has typical GI symptoms and disrupted sleep patterns that awaken the entire house at an ungodly hour several times per week. He is in therapy and a special education classroom that has helped somewhat, but he has a long, difficult road to follow.

Is it wrong to say that I do not embrace this disease, that I cannot come to terms with what has happened to my beautiful boy, to be so angry at everyone who has "normal" children? Errands must be run very quickly when Carter is around, babysitters must be chosen very carefully, and a weekend away is a huge burden to ask of my parents, who help him as much, if not more so, than Chris and I. I hate autism. I hate it.

I know he could be a lot worse off. I know he is considered "high functioning" and I should be grateful for that. I'm not grateful though. I dread the last school bell of the day, because I know in one short hour I will have to endure the screaming nightmare of what used to be known as dinner. That going home means flying down the freeway to make sure my dad doesn't have to be with him alone for too long. What kind of mother dreads the end of the work day? What kind of mother am I who at one point couldn't bear to let anyone else even hold him, now can't wait to get away for a couple of days of peace and quiet?

Chris tells me not to give up on him and that we need to do is to keep hoping that he will continue to show progress, but he fails to see why I am struggling to accept what is happening. That I love my son more than anything on this planet, but I miss our lives before this happened to us. The weekends away, the fun trips to the beach with Alex, eating out instead of take out, a normal family dinner, dropping my kid off at the first day of preschool, hearing the words, I love you Mom, play dates, etc. Instead, I am changing size 7 diapers on a boy who might never be able to live alone, and sometimes all the love I have to give doesn't seem to be enough to make life okay.

And what are my student's doing while i am finally updating my blog?

2010-05-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yes, that's right. I am updating my blog. It's been almost a year since I last put brain to keyboard and typed out something witty and clever to say. But, none the less, here i go. I have spent the last 9 months teaching, that's right, teaching! I am now a Marketing teacher at San Benito High School, and I have been fortunate to teach a great group of 12th graders , minus one or two I can't wait to never see again. We have only 12 days of school left as of today. Actually 12 days and 2 hours, but whose counting?

Personally, 2009 is a year I'd rather forget. First my dear, sweet, brave sister passed away from breast cancer on September 17th, 2010. It was so very hard to watch my once vibrant and active sister fight and finally succumb to this horrible disease. A few weeks later, a diagnosis I have known in my heart for a year prior, finally was put upon my beautiful son. He has autism. All along I had been praying it was a hearing loss, tonsils, ADHD, anything but what I knew to be true. I have had a long, hard road towards acceptance of this, and I won't lie and say that I deal with it gracefully everyday, but I do my best to carry one and hope that through early intervention, speech therapy and the grace of a higher being, he will get better. If it weren't for my parents and my husband, I would have driven myself and my loser cruier off the Port Isabel bridge a long time ago.

So, those are the reasons why I stopped blogging. Today, a sweet friend of mine started her own blog. She is almost married a year with a sweet baby boy on the way, and something about her youthful optimism got me back to the computer, and that is why my students are working on a research paper while I blog! (who am i kidding, i'm sure at least half of them are off task....)

I am also wrestling with a personal decision that is hard to make. Without going into detail, I want to do something for myself as kind of a fresh start, but monetarily it isn't the best time. But, then I think about my sister and wonder, if there ever will be a "right time" and that life is too short to always deny things for yourself that you truly want. So, decisions, decisions, decisions....

Sunday swimmers at sundown.

2009-06-28T15:38:00.000-07:00

Multimedia message

2009-06-28T15:37:00.000-07:00

The New Job

2009-06-28T15:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay. I know I change jobs like most people change underwear. It's like I have this permanent nagging voice in the back of my head telling me to move on once I have reached a certain level of success. I started to count all the jobs I have had since I graduated from Texas A&M (greatest college on earth), and I am officially embarrassed. I will say, however, that I have never, ever been fired from a job. I always leave on my own terms and of my own choosing.

So you can all join in my humiliation, here is the running tally:
1. Texaco: big city, boring job
2. Williams: same big city, lots of traveling, like watching paint dry on a daily basis.
3. Dell: white collar sweatshop meets Melrose Place. At least I snagged a hubby!
4. The Gap: Yes, that's right. I took a job that paid $7/hour just to pay for mother's day out in Little Rock.
5. TAP Pharm: 1st pharma job, fantastic partners and manager, tnen I moved home and the opposite happened. BAD manager, 1 bad co-worker, and 1 good new friend. Yes Andrea, you are the friend, not bad co-worker.
6. Boehringer-Ingelheim Pharm: 6 months. Again, 1 really bad co-worker, and 1 very good friend.
7. PLATO: Best paying job I ever had. Most stressful and worst boss I have ever had. Add a new baby in the mix, and post Costa-Rica sales trip win, and I was outta there. Oh yeah - 1 more great co-worker.
8. InVentiv: Contract Pharma. Awesome job, awesome manager, awesome co-workers, and I did awesome too! Contracted was terminated and I hit the unemployment line.
9. Substitute teaching: Does this count as an actual job or babysitting? High school freshman are awful. But I do admit, there are some pretty great teachers still teaching at WHS.
10. Rio Grande Regional Hospital: 8-5 office hell, won't elaborate.
11. Innovex: Contract Pharma. Praying this gig lasts. I will admit schlepping around the Valley in the 100+ degree heat sucks the big one, but at least I get paid for it!

My only hope is that those who have worked with me know that I give my jobs (notice plural) 100%. I can never not work, as I have bad, expensive habits that don't allow for it. When my kids go to college and don't have to take out student loans, maybe they'll thank me one day. When Carter is speaking in full, complete sentences, hopefully one day he'll know that his therapy and schooling may have cost quite a bit, but was worth every sweaty penny I ever earned.

Do Things Every Slow Down?

2009-06-08T16:58:00.000-07:00

I have come to realize that things never slow down when you have kids. Especially when you have two kids and a job. I am two weeks into summer vacation, and I am already exhausted. I did get a great birthday dinner with friends at South Padre Island and throw a super fun shower for a new, but great friend. See above pics for the highlights of my birthday fun!

I found out today that my son's favorite teacher at his daycare is leaving as of today. Her name is Edith. She is a very big-busted woman with very unreal blonde hair that my son adores. Most of you know he doesn't speak many words, but "Edith" is one he knows very well. I am sad for him, and I hope the new teacher bonds with my little man as well as Edith.

My new job has been a whirlwind of activity. A week away at training, thrown into the field with a non-working computer, no business cards, but a very welcome reception from some doctor's I had missed seeing over the last 4 months. That, I guess, makes it all worth it. That, and excellent, preferred coverage on Texas Medicaid. Got to love the Valley!

Alex has been away visiting her cousins in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Actually, my sister in law's home resembles a scaled down version of the Neverland Ranch sans Bubbles the chimp. Playground, huge swimming pool, trampoline, and a never ending supply of toys. It's really no wonder she doesn't call us, we have to call her. And when she does talk to us, it's basically a one-sided question barage from me or Chris. I wouldn't want to leave Amy's house either! Can I come and visit and layout by the pool all day, take free tennis lessons, have home-cooked meals, and sleep on Granny's deck overlooking the lake? Please? I won't back-talk, will say please and thank you, and I do very well at cleaning up after myself...

Well, we have no pool, we have a small house, our kids will most likely attend public school, and Chris and I both work more than we'd like. But, somehow, I know when my daughter is grown, she will know that her "home" was a good place to grow up, even in the crappy Rio Grande Valley.

Me and Sweet Kim

2009-05-23T21:30:00.000-07:00

Empire St Bldg

2009-05-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

I haven't been inspired....

2009-05-23T21:05:00.000-07:00

Just when you think things will finally settle down, something happens. Immediately after visiting my sister, I get offered a second job which definitely fits my family's lifestyle so much better. No sitting behind a desk from 8 to 5, rushing to pick up Carter, and getting home after 6. Then off to softball or art, praying that I will have enough stamina to get my 7:30 run in.

But, with every positive must come the negatives. Starting on May 11th, I was on virtual lockdown. Studying materials, conference calls, taking exams, frantically reading all my clinical material, all the while trying not to melt down by the end of the day. Did I mention Chris also has been gone most of the last month for training of his own!? So, mother in law (thank God she is here) and I plod along and do the best we can.

Then, this past Sunday I board a plane to New Jersey for a week of onsite training that I swear to God almost killed me. I am not a "rah-rah, go team!" kind of person. I do not enjoy being around people who ask to many questions, ask dumb questions, or basically think they are some kind of sales superstar in the world of cough and cold. Obviously, I am somewhat cynical, very sarcastic, and a kind of tell it like it is kind of person.

I knew more about my weeklong roommate in the first 10 minutes of meeting her than I ever cared to know at all. My new supervisor, or Rain Manager(same height, same hair, everything!), as I like to call him since he looks exactly like Dustin Hoffman, is one of those micro-manage every little detail kind of people who I already know will drive me crazy. Did I mention he has ruined my 33rd birthday which is next Wednesday by flying down to spend the day with me in the field???

Okay, but in all fairness, I took the job. I rolled the dice. I got to see NYC for the first time ever, even if it was for 4 whole hours. I did manage to get know one cool person on my team, whom I know will become my best bud when it comes to making fun of the ol' bossman. And the best part is.....Monday is a holiday! Some great friends are coming out to meet me for dinner Friday night, and I am hosting a shower with a very dear friend for a very dear friend on Saturday. Life is alright.

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2009-05-05T15:54:00.001-07:00

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2009-05-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

Swine Flu Break 2009

2009-05-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

I truly despise morons. Really, I do. Morons usually look and act like regular people until something like the "swine flu panic" sets in. In the town that I live in, our schools have been closed now since last Thursday, April 30th. One case, at the high school, and all schools plus the private schools in town completely shut down. We are still shut down. We will be shut down until next Friday, May 15th.

I don't think people are morons when they err on the side of caution, but even the government (a bunch of liberal morons) are telling people not to shut down the schools. Hello? Anyone out there with a brain??? Okay, so here is what I am doing with my 1st grader while she is home from school. No, I am not keeping her home under lock and key. We are getting out, running errands, and moving forward.

Monday: dry cleaners, post office, fedex, drug test, and took little one to daycare.
Tuesday: Dr. appt for little one which lasts all freakin' morning, pizza for me and alex, target, embroidery place, mall, pick carter up from daycare, and chick-fil-a for a lemonade.
Wednesday: starbucks with friends, workout with trainer, pick up license plates, alex having friend come over for rest of the day, pool, chuck-e-cheese and possible movie.
Thursday: beach
Friday: San Antonio
Next week: WHO KNOWS!! But what I do know is my daughter should be back in school and this ridiculous panic needs to be over. Besides, everyone knows getting the flu is the easiest and quickest way to lose 5 lbs. Sign me up.

PS: The pics are from the doctor's office. Where we waited for over 2 hours to see him, and he spent 5 minutes with us and ordered a bunch of tests we have already taken. Still no answers as to why Carter does not want to talk. I hope my lovely dr. have hideous traffic on his way home, so he knows what it feels like to sit and rot and not be able to do anything about someone else's inconsideration.

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2009-04-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

20 Random Thoughts on a Monday

2009-04-27T06:22:00.000-07:00

Almost everyone I know did this on facebook, but I have wanted to amend mine for some time now, so here goes....
1. Just when things get hopelessly bad and I am about to give up, things get better. After no luck finding a job for 3 months, I was offered two this month.
2. My idea of a vacation is a quiet hotel, large pool, and no kids.
3. My husband should offer a class to all those dad's who refer to spending time with their children as "babysitting." Nothing irritates me more when I hear my friends make that comment.
4. I don't ask permission to do what I want. I am a grown woman, and I usually make decisions that are reasonably intelligent now.
5. I have ever only stayed at a job long enough to acheive my goals. When goals have been achieved, boredom sets in, and it is time to move on.
6. I recently realized what my career should be and how little I will get paid for it. But, it is an honest to goodness career and is a stable, long term career. Now, I need an open position!
7. I might be nice to your face, but if you are a backstabbing, social climbing, phony person, I know you are and I am just being polite.
8. I love Tom Petty. His music makes a bad day so much better. He was the best part of the Superbowl two years ago. The only part I watched.
9. I like watching The Smurfs and The Flintstones with my kids. It reminds me of being little and spending time with my grandma.
10. I am grateful to have such wonderful, supportive friends. Especially the ones who know how crazy I used to be, and still want to hang out with me now!
11. I hate following stupid rules. Things like...no shorts in high school, no sandals at work, no personal email access at work...
12. I like to run. I like to run more when I am running with Tracy or Kelly, but I can do it alone, as long as my IPOD is charged.
13. I like the fact that I can have a conversation with other women without centering it around my kids. My kids are a cherished part of my life, but not my life in its entirety.
14. I wish I had a better relationship with my mom. I've always wished we could run Saturday errands together, talk about life in general, or just be able to hang out.
15. When my son reaches a developmental milestone, I literally cry with joy.
16. I love the fact that my daughter is naturally athletic like me. I am waiting for her killer instinct and hatred of losing at games to awaken.
17. I will never be happy with the way I look. I try, I really try. I am my own worst critic.
18. I am a terrible saver. If I had saved 20% of my salary over the last 11 years, I would be in a much better position financially!
19. If I were on death row, my last meal would be chicken fried steak with cream gravy, french fries, and chocolate cake.
20. If I could add 4 extra hours to every day, I would spend 2 with my family, 1 catching up with my friends, and 1 by myself.

Mommy vs. Mommy

2009-04-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

Everyone needs their mother. When we are little girls, we look up to our mom's and think that our mom is the most beautiful person in the whole world. We become teenagers, and secretly deep down we still feel the same way, but we tell them too often that we hate them or that they are stupid or out of touch. The last one is usually true... Then we become young women trying to make it in the world, and we use our mom as an example of the type of worker and wife we should be as we pave our own way. Then, we become mother's to our own daughters and things start to get tricky.

My mom is a busy body, but she means in it a good way. She likes to extole her opinions about her grandchildren's discipline (usually there should be none), marital fights that are best left alone, and generally, still feels that since she is my mom she has the right to "mother me."

I chose to move back to my hometown in 2004. I actually lived with my parents for 5 months as Chris and I were waiting for our house to sell in Little Rock. Her roof, her rules. Fair enough, but March 2005 we moved to our own house, and a safe distance (less than 3 miles) away. My mom "grandkids-sit" multiple days per week which allows for a "harmless" comment on whatever she thinks of that day. Those harmless comments eat away at my very soul, just like they did when I was 9 years old desperate to please her.

My point is...it is so hard to be a mother. It is even more difficult to be a mother and a daughter. The hardest part is being a mother, daughter and maintain that delicate balance with your own mother as you try your best to do all the things you learned from her.

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2009-04-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

My Dirty Little Secret

2009-04-16T06:06:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while because things have just been crazy. I now work in an office. Confined to my office from 8 - 5, except for the lunch hour which I have to cram all possible errands in and eat lunch before I head back to my desk. The dress code is archaic meaning the women still wear pantyhose with skirts and no open toe shoes allowed. Did I mention the average temperature here in the summer is close to 99 degrees?

I haven't had a desk job in over 8 years. I am having a REALLY hard time adjusting to the shackles of my new career. I am starting to HATE it, and it's only my 4th day. Don't get me wrong, my boss is great and the other women in the office are really accomodating. I am just used to having freedom to run my errands, get my hair done, go to Alex's school for things, and get a workout in all before 6:00 p.m.

But that's not the secret. The secret is I hate my car. It's not even a car. It's a minivan. I hate everything that it stands for, and I hate the fact that I allowed my husband to buy it for me. I hate the color..blue. The color the little old ladies buy when they turn like a 180 years old. It is a nice van, all things considered. It has leather seats (positive), dual A/C to keep everyone cool, lots of storage, and a pretty pimped out stereo system. All of these benefits do not outweigh the fact that it is a van.

I love my kids, yet they do not define me as a person. I still love to do things on my own or with friends that don't include children. I relish the rare invite for a party or wedding where kids are not invited. The hour that I run most days a week is my most precious hour of the day. It's just me, my shoes, the track, and a good friend or two to chat with about things, especially things not related to children. You see, the van represents the term "soccer mom." All those wonderful women, who unlike myself, devote their days and nights to all things child related. I will never be that woman, and while I commend their sacrifice, would rather be caught stark naked at the supermarket than have people think of me as a "soccer mom."

I am currently not speaking to my husband for two reasons. A. I am childish and pouting that he won't let me drive his new Ford Edge, the car I wanted so badly before the stupid van. B. He got a new job far better than mine, and I am so jealous of the actual job and salary that my blue eyes have turned green.

Enjoy your day folks. Pray for me that I will no longer focus on such childish and petty things. Pray for healing for my sister. Pray for all women who struggle to meet their daily demands, both working and stay at home mothers.

My Boys

2009-04-11T07:56:00.001-07:00

The anti-holiday mom

2009-04-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, I admit it. I really don't like holidays all that much now that I have kids. Actually, that is only partially true. I love the actual holiday, but the set up and planning involved is exhausting. I write this one day before Easter. You know, second only to Christmas in rank of importance among children. The Easter bunny, hunting for eggs filled with candy and money, and the dressing up in something a little nicer than usual for church.

Well, their Easter baskets sit unfinished on the floor of my room. A pink one for Alex and a blue one for Carter. I went to HEB to fill said baskets, and $81.00 dollars later, I left with four grocery bags full of goodies for my kiddos. Goodies that I will throw out after four days since I will be the one rummaging through all the "grass" to find that one last Hershey kiss or Reese's Peanut Butter Egg that might have escaped my daughter's attention. It's like that old saying my dad used to harp on all the time when I was a kid, "Why don't you just roll down the window of your car while you are driving and just throw dollar bills out the window." That actually has nothing to do with my loathing of the holiday set-up, but I think it is appropriate when you consider what we as mother's spend on candy, decorations, and basic junk that ends up in the trash each year for every holiday to make sure our children have as good of a time as we did when we were young.

On a very unrelated note, I am finally finished with substitute teaching. It was fun (not really) while it lasted, but now I am on to my full-time gig as a recruiter. I will miss seeing my friend Kelly for lunch everyday, but I will not miss hiding the Germ-X from my students for fear they will start drinking it in an effort to escape the reality of my class!

The Waiting Game

2009-04-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

The WAITING game. We all do it. It affects us practically everyday, and no matter how hard we try, it never gets any easier. I have been in a perpetual WAITING game for about 3 months now. I have been looking for a job, found a job, and then new ones keeps popping up on my radar doubting my decision to take the first job. I took my alternative certification content exam for teaching marketing this past Saturday, and must WAIT at least 2-3 weeks for results. Oh - but the best part is I am still WAITING to see if a job teaching marketing will actually materialize. You see, this is the job that I want, but I must WAIT and see.

Everday for the last two weeks I have been WAITING for text messages regarding Alex's softball practices and games. If I don't get one: relief. If I do, it's time to call in the reserve troops (my mom and dad) and WAIT for their response about who can help out with which kid.

My sister is dealing with chemotherapy, its side effects, and the pain from her cancer. She has been WAITING for some good news, and today she takes a test to see if her chemotherapy is working. Of course, you must WAIT for the results, so she won't know until tomorrow. My WAITING games seem small compared to hers, but never the less, still seem large to me.

My mom and I have been arguing about petty stuff for about a week and a half now. Each of us is WAITING for the other to apologize, and neither one has. It is hard to be around my mom lately due to my sister's health coupled with my own personal drama, but I guess we will continue to wait for the other person to cave. My dad remarked last night that it will probably take one of us to have some horrible disease like my sister's to get over our petty bulls**t and get along. He has a point, so why do she and I continue to WAIT?

So friends, the WAITING game continues. What will today's answers to yesterday's problems be? What, if any, resolution will come for the problems that keep compounding and bearing down on me? I don't know, but I guess I will have to WAIT and see.

Riley Dog

2009-04-05T07:36:00.001-07:00

Most of you who have known me for a while are aware of my extreme attachment to one very large, very hairy, male bassett hound. His name is Riley, or to be perfectly honest, Sir Walter Riley Bear.

Riley has allowed me to own him since February 1999. As soon as he was large enough to jump into my bed, he quickly made the right hand side (pillows included) his very own. In 2000, I met my future husband Chris. Riley did not like this....at all. He would growl at Chris and wedge himself between Chris and I in the bed in the middle of the night just to make a point very clear....HE was my number 1 fan.

So, after a move to Arkansas, a new baby arrived. Alex. Alex, at 4 months old, was very fond of Riley. He was NOT fond of her. In fact, people kept telling me to get rid of him, and I almost punched each of those said people right in the face. Riley was my dog, and I would find away to resolve this situation.

Turns out, a dog named Chuy was adopted from the Little Rock animal shelter by the Papacek family. We brought little Chuy home and he and Riley became instant playmates. I was actually a little jealous. After Chuy's arrival, Riley ignored Alex as she continued to pester him and pull on his long dog ears.

Well, after moving back to Texas (thank the Lord!), baby number 2 arrived. Carter, my son, has no interest in either dog. He doesn't like being licked, and I think Riley's extremely large tail does not feel all that good when whacked upon one's face. And in my infinite wisdom and a pure moment of weakness, I adopted dog number 3, Ruby Red. She is perhaps the cutest bassett hound (sorry Riles) with her extra, extra long ears and desire to be petted constantly. Actually, the petting part is really annoying.

Riley celebrated his 10th birthday on January 7th of this year. He has very bad cataracts, has hip pain, and basically acts as if he is falling apart. I say acts because if I slip up and leave my bedroom door open, the dog who looks at his old bed longingly, somehow manages to hoist his 67 lb. self up onto my new couch, curls up around my new throw pillows and sheds about 10 pounds of pure hair.

I love that darn dog. I love him because after all these years, he loves me right back. He doesn't care if I come home in a bad mood, or I forgot to feed them before I left for work. His love is truly unconditional and comforting. When I am sad, I like to lay on the floor with my Riley dog. When I need a good laugh, I remember all the crazy dog things he has done. Pets make our lives better. My life is better because Riley has been a part of it.

Bad things happen in 3's, Good things happen in 3's

2009-04-02T11:16:00.000-07:00

Both Chris and I received some very good news this week. I don't want to elaborate in detail until everything is finalized and official. If I had my choice about good news #3, it would be that my sister's chemotherapy is working. Wouldn't that be nice if we could choose the things that happen to us, good and bad?

Bad: Lost my job, husband's job moved to Corpus, my sister's cancer returned.

I would have picked things like....I caught a cold, pulled a muscle, ran out of gas. You know, little things that, while annoying, can be solved with some ice, vitamin C, and a friend helping you out. I also believe that good things should happen to good people, and bad things should happen to bad. I don't know about you all, but this sounds very fair to me. All criminals would be caught, children would never get abused, students would come to school wanting to learn, every person who wanted a job would have one, etc., etc. Oh yeah - Alex's softball practice and games would be on the same day each stinkin' week!

Good Luck Pink Sox!! Hopefully, my little darling will get another hit and do well on defense. And unlike me, she likes it when she can hear us cheering for her in the stands!

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2009-03-31T11:26:00.000-07:00

The Substitute

2009-03-31T07:03:00.000-07:00

I have been attending alternative certification classes for teaching since the beginning of February. I started with a mixture of apprehensiveness and excitement. Then I started substitute teaching. All freshman. Do I really need to elaborate how much this has dampened my enthusiasm? Don't get me wrong, I have some good kids, but I also have several kids that come to class on drugs, kids that no matter how many 2nd chances I give continue to do next to nothing while they are here, and basically, my classes are beginning to exhaust all my remaining goodwill.

I also promised myself when I had my daughter that I would not become one of those mothers who enroll their kids in everything under the sun, and be forced to run them from activity to activity everyday of the week. Here is our schedule looks currently:

Monday - Softball 5:30-6:45
Tuesday - Softball Game 6:30-8
Wednesday Gymnastics 4:20-5:30 and Softball 5:30-6:45 Church Choir 6:30-7:00
Thursday - Art 5:30-6:30
Friday - Who knows, but I am guessing softball

Now, most of you are sitting there telling yourself that this is a problem very easily solved. Most of you don't know Alex. She loves art. She loves church choir. She really likes gymnastics. She apparantly now loves softball.
How do you make life more manageable for a 7 YEAR OLD without the ensuing tears and dissapointment at dropping an activity (or two?)

Suggestions? Anybody? Anyone?

My first blog

2009-03-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

I have been very resistant to blogging. However, anyone who knows me, knows that I am 100%, completely and totally addicted to facebook. So, I thought, what the heck, why not blog? So here goes....

Today, my sweet son woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Well, actually he was turned upside down and laying on his face, but what's the difference? I got a call that his speech therapy was going very well. He said his first long sentence today. "I do not want to eat cereal." For Carter, that is amazing. It makes me so happy that he is beginning to articulate his thoughts. Bravo to Easter Seals and their amazing organization!

Yesterday, my daughter asked me why I was in such a good mood. I know she thinks that I am a total grouch in the morning, and that is okay, because I am. I always have been, and I doubt this will ever change. Why both of my children like to get up at the crack of dawn every single weekday and weekend is beyond me. Luckily, Chris takes over most early a.m. duties. Truthfully, I was in a good mood because I went to bed early the night before, after a fun evening with two good friends, went for a long run, and came home to find my children eating lunch. That's right....It had a lot to do with me time, which I constantly long for.

Finally, today I have a job interview. It is for a job that I am well-qualified for, and it doesn't pay as well as my last job since it is a support position. However, if I do well, the payoff down the road should be very lucrative. I had been hoping to teach marketing, but that job has not yet materialized, and I am beginning to wonder if I am holding on to false hope.

As some of you know, I have been unemployed since January. Through the kindness of a very good friend, I have been working at my old high school as a substitute teacher since the end of January. I work with all freshmen. About half of my students are great. I generally pray that the other half skip my class, and try to digest the thought that these kids will be sucking off the hardworking members of society for the rest of their lives.

I am glad my friends had a good time over the weekend at SPI! I was sad to not be able to come, but glad everyone made it home safe and sound. Next up...Tracy V's birthday! What to do....what to do???