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20 Random Thoughts on a Monday

Almost everyone I know did this on facebook, but I have wanted to amend mine for some time now, so here goes....
1. Just when things get hopelessly bad and I am about to give up, things get better. After no luck finding a job for 3 months, I was offered two this month.
2. My idea of a vacation is a quiet hotel, large pool, and no kids.
3. My husband should offer a class to all those dad's who refer to spending time with their children as "babysitting." Nothing irritates me more when I hear my friends make that comment.
4. I don't ask permission to do what I want. I am a grown woman, and I usually make decisions that are reasonably intelligent now.
5. I have ever only stayed at a job long enough to acheive my goals. When goals have been achieved, boredom sets in, and it is time to move on.
6. I recently realized what my career should be and how little I will get paid for it. But, it is an honest to goodness career and is a stable, long term career. Now, I need an open position!
7. I might be nice to your face, but if you are a backstabbing, social climbing, phony person, I know you are and I am just being polite.
8. I love Tom Petty. His music makes a bad day so much better. He was the best part of the Superbowl two years ago. The only part I watched.
9. I like watching The Smurfs and The Flintstones with my kids. It reminds me of being little and spending time with my grandma.
10. I am grateful to have such wonderful, supportive friends. Especially the ones who know how crazy I used to be, and still want to hang out with me now!
11. I hate following stupid rules. Things like...no shorts in high school, no sandals at work, no personal email access at work...
12. I like to run. I like to run more when I am running with Tracy or Kelly, but I can do it alone, as long as my IPOD is charged.
13. I like the fact that I can have a conversation with other women without centering it around my kids. My kids are a cherished part of my life, but not my life in its entirety.
14. I wish I had a better relationship with my mom. I've always wished we could run Saturday errands together, talk about life in general, or just be able to hang out.
15. When my son reaches a developmental milestone, I literally cry with joy.
16. I love the fact that my daughter is naturally athletic like me. I am waiting for her killer instinct and hatred of losing at games to awaken.
17. I will never be happy with the way I look. I try, I really try. I am my own worst critic.
18. I am a terrible saver. If I had saved 20% of my salary over the last 11 years, I would be in a much better position financially!
19. If I were on death row, my last meal would be chicken fried steak with cream gravy, french fries, and chocolate cake.
20. If I could add 4 extra hours to every day, I would spend 2 with my family, 1 catching up with my friends, and 1 by myself.

Mommy vs. Mommy

Everyone needs their mother. When we are little girls, we look up to our mom's and think that our mom is the most beautiful person in the whole world. We become teenagers, and secretly deep down we still feel the same way, but we tell them too often that we hate them or that they are stupid or out of touch. The last one is usually true... Then we become young women trying to make it in the world, and we use our mom as an example of the type of worker and wife we should be as we pave our own way. Then, we become mother's to our own daughters and things start to get tricky.

My mom is a busy body, but she means in it a good way. She likes to extole her opinions about her grandchildren's discipline (usually there should be none), marital fights that are best left alone, and generally, still feels that since she is my mom she has the right to "mother me."

I chose to move back to my hometown in 2004. I actually lived with my parents for 5 months as Chris and I were waiting for our house to sell in Little Rock. Her roof, her rules. Fair enough, but March 2005 we moved to our own house, and a safe distance (less than 3 miles) away. My mom "grandkids-sit" multiple days per week which allows for a "harmless" comment on whatever she thinks of that day. Those harmless comments eat away at my very soul, just like they did when I was 9 years old desperate to please her.

My point is...it is so hard to be a mother. It is even more difficult to be a mother and a daughter. The hardest part is being a mother, daughter and maintain that delicate balance with your own mother as you try your best to do all the things you learned from her.

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My Dirty Little Secret

I haven't posted in a while because things have just been crazy. I now work in an office. Confined to my office from 8 - 5, except for the lunch hour which I have to cram all possible errands in and eat lunch before I head back to my desk. The dress code is archaic meaning the women still wear pantyhose with skirts and no open toe shoes allowed. Did I mention the average temperature here in the summer is close to 99 degrees?

I haven't had a desk job in over 8 years. I am having a REALLY hard time adjusting to the shackles of my new career. I am starting to HATE it, and it's only my 4th day. Don't get me wrong, my boss is great and the other women in the office are really accomodating. I am just used to having freedom to run my errands, get my hair done, go to Alex's school for things, and get a workout in all before 6:00 p.m.

But that's not the secret. The secret is I hate my car. It's not even a car. It's a minivan. I hate everything that it stands for, and I hate the fact that I allowed my husband to buy it for me. I hate the color..blue. The color the little old ladies buy when they turn like a 180 years old. It is a nice van, all things considered. It has leather seats (positive), dual A/C to keep everyone cool, lots of storage, and a pretty pimped out stereo system. All of these benefits do not outweigh the fact that it is a van.

I love my kids, yet they do not define me as a person. I still love to do things on my own or with friends that don't include children. I relish the rare invite for a party or wedding where kids are not invited. The hour that I run most days a week is my most precious hour of the day. It's just me, my shoes, the track, and a good friend or two to chat with about things, especially things not related to children. You see, the van represents the term "soccer mom." All those wonderful women, who unlike myself, devote their days and nights to all things child related. I will never be that woman, and while I commend their sacrifice, would rather be caught stark naked at the supermarket than have people think of me as a "soccer mom."

I am currently not speaking to my husband for two reasons. A. I am childish and pouting that he won't let me drive his new Ford Edge, the car I wanted so badly before the stupid van. B. He got a new job far better than mine, and I am so jealous of the actual job and salary that my blue eyes have turned green.

Enjoy your day folks. Pray for me that I will no longer focus on such childish and petty things. Pray for healing for my sister. Pray for all women who struggle to meet their daily demands, both working and stay at home mothers.

My Boys

The anti-holiday mom

Okay, I admit it. I really don't like holidays all that much now that I have kids. Actually, that is only partially true. I love the actual holiday, but the set up and planning involved is exhausting. I write this one day before Easter. You know, second only to Christmas in rank of importance among children. The Easter bunny, hunting for eggs filled with candy and money, and the dressing up in something a little nicer than usual for church.

Well, their Easter baskets sit unfinished on the floor of my room. A pink one for Alex and a blue one for Carter. I went to HEB to fill said baskets, and $81.00 dollars later, I left with four grocery bags full of goodies for my kiddos. Goodies that I will throw out after four days since I will be the one rummaging through all the "grass" to find that one last Hershey kiss or Reese's Peanut Butter Egg that might have escaped my daughter's attention. It's like that old saying my dad used to harp on all the time when I was a kid, "Why don't you just roll down the window of your car while you are driving and just throw dollar bills out the window." That actually has nothing to do with my loathing of the holiday set-up, but I think it is appropriate when you consider what we as mother's spend on candy, decorations, and basic junk that ends up in the trash each year for every holiday to make sure our children have as good of a time as we did when we were young.

On a very unrelated note, I am finally finished with substitute teaching. It was fun (not really) while it lasted, but now I am on to my full-time gig as a recruiter. I will miss seeing my friend Kelly for lunch everyday, but I will not miss hiding the Germ-X from my students for fear they will start drinking it in an effort to escape the reality of my class!

The Waiting Game

The WAITING game. We all do it. It affects us practically everyday, and no matter how hard we try, it never gets any easier. I have been in a perpetual WAITING game for about 3 months now. I have been looking for a job, found a job, and then new ones keeps popping up on my radar doubting my decision to take the first job. I took my alternative certification content exam for teaching marketing this past Saturday, and must WAIT at least 2-3 weeks for results. Oh - but the best part is I am still WAITING to see if a job teaching marketing will actually materialize. You see, this is the job that I want, but I must WAIT and see.

Everday for the last two weeks I have been WAITING for text messages regarding Alex's softball practices and games. If I don't get one: relief. If I do, it's time to call in the reserve troops (my mom and dad) and WAIT for their response about who can help out with which kid.

My sister is dealing with chemotherapy, its side effects, and the pain from her cancer. She has been WAITING for some good news, and today she takes a test to see if her chemotherapy is working. Of course, you must WAIT for the results, so she won't know until tomorrow. My WAITING games seem small compared to hers, but never the less, still seem large to me.

My mom and I have been arguing about petty stuff for about a week and a half now. Each of us is WAITING for the other to apologize, and neither one has. It is hard to be around my mom lately due to my sister's health coupled with my own personal drama, but I guess we will continue to wait for the other person to cave. My dad remarked last night that it will probably take one of us to have some horrible disease like my sister's to get over our petty bulls**t and get along. He has a point, so why do she and I continue to WAIT?

So friends, the WAITING game continues. What will today's answers to yesterday's problems be? What, if any, resolution will come for the problems that keep compounding and bearing down on me? I don't know, but I guess I will have to WAIT and see.

Riley Dog

Most of you who have known me for a while are aware of my extreme attachment to one very large, very hairy, male bassett hound. His name is Riley, or to be perfectly honest, Sir Walter Riley Bear.

Riley has allowed me to own him since February 1999. As soon as he was large enough to jump into my bed, he quickly made the right hand side (pillows included) his very own. In 2000, I met my future husband Chris. Riley did not like this....at all. He would growl at Chris and wedge himself between Chris and I in the bed in the middle of the night just to make a point very clear....HE was my number 1 fan.

So, after a move to Arkansas, a new baby arrived. Alex. Alex, at 4 months old, was very fond of Riley. He was NOT fond of her. In fact, people kept telling me to get rid of him, and I almost punched each of those said people right in the face. Riley was my dog, and I would find away to resolve this situation.

Turns out, a dog named Chuy was adopted from the Little Rock animal shelter by the Papacek family. We brought little Chuy home and he and Riley became instant playmates. I was actually a little jealous. After Chuy's arrival, Riley ignored Alex as she continued to pester him and pull on his long dog ears.

Well, after moving back to Texas (thank the Lord!), baby number 2 arrived. Carter, my son, has no interest in either dog. He doesn't like being licked, and I think Riley's extremely large tail does not feel all that good when whacked upon one's face. And in my infinite wisdom and a pure moment of weakness, I adopted dog number 3, Ruby Red. She is perhaps the cutest bassett hound (sorry Riles) with her extra, extra long ears and desire to be petted constantly. Actually, the petting part is really annoying.

Riley celebrated his 10th birthday on January 7th of this year. He has very bad cataracts, has hip pain, and basically acts as if he is falling apart. I say acts because if I slip up and leave my bedroom door open, the dog who looks at his old bed longingly, somehow manages to hoist his 67 lb. self up onto my new couch, curls up around my new throw pillows and sheds about 10 pounds of pure hair.

I love that darn dog. I love him because after all these years, he loves me right back. He doesn't care if I come home in a bad mood, or I forgot to feed them before I left for work. His love is truly unconditional and comforting. When I am sad, I like to lay on the floor with my Riley dog. When I need a good laugh, I remember all the crazy dog things he has done. Pets make our lives better. My life is better because Riley has been a part of it.

Bad things happen in 3's, Good things happen in 3's

Both Chris and I received some very good news this week. I don't want to elaborate in detail until everything is finalized and official. If I had my choice about good news #3, it would be that my sister's chemotherapy is working. Wouldn't that be nice if we could choose the things that happen to us, good and bad?

Bad: Lost my job, husband's job moved to Corpus, my sister's cancer returned.

I would have picked things like....I caught a cold, pulled a muscle, ran out of gas. You know, little things that, while annoying, can be solved with some ice, vitamin C, and a friend helping you out. I also believe that good things should happen to good people, and bad things should happen to bad. I don't know about you all, but this sounds very fair to me. All criminals would be caught, children would never get abused, students would come to school wanting to learn, every person who wanted a job would have one, etc., etc. Oh yeah - Alex's softball practice and games would be on the same day each stinkin' week!

Good Luck Pink Sox!! Hopefully, my little darling will get another hit and do well on defense. And unlike me, she likes it when she can hear us cheering for her in the stands!